No vacation from Geek status

July 1st, 2008

We’re currently visiting family in northern CA during our long-overdue vacation this week, choking on smoke that’s engulfed the entire state. Good times! Highlights include:

* Our 9-year-old niece grabbing a bottle of K-Y Jelly in Wal-Mart and asking Uncle Andy what it’s for. (I stumbled in terror, and when I couldn’t come up with an answer, she assumed I had no idea what it was for and I told her she assumed correctly. All Tracy did was laugh.)
* Seeing Wall*E, which (so far) has my vote for Best Picture at next year’s Oscar’s
* Checking out Susanville’s first Indian restaurant and leaving very pleased (and full)
* Hanging out with the 2-year-old niece and teaching her new sayings and ways to shake hands
* Seeing the rest of the family and being able to chat and joke like we saw them as recently as last week.

Finally, we bought our tickets to The Dark Knight. I’ve pre-purchased movie tickets before, but never three weeks before the release date. I’ve seen and heard all the hype, but Kevin Smith’s review finally put me over the top. So now Tracy and I have a date at 2:30 PM on July 19th at the killer Cinetopia Living Room Theater in Vancouver, WA. Who says I’m not a romantic?

Up next: driving into thicker smoke via Sacramento and Vacaville, capped by a booze run for family and co-workers in Redding, and then…
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I just want a Gatorade

June 4th, 2008

Below is a screenplay for a short film, based on a true story of what just happened to me. (Well, the first part is true. The final part is not, but I wish it were.)

 

FADE IN:

INT. DOWNTOWN RITE-AID CASHIER LINE. DAY

ANDREW waits in line holding a 32 oz. Lemon-Lime Gatorade. In front of him are IDIOT #1 and IDIOT #2, both female hipsters from the east side of Portland. In walk IDIOT #3 (female) and IDIOT #4 (male), two more hipsters from the east side of Portland.

 

IDIOT #3
Hey guys.

IDIOT #1 AND #2 (in unison)
Hi!

 

IDIOT #3 points to IDIOT #4.

 

IDIOT #3
This is my friend Idiot #4.

IDIOT #4
Hi.

IDIOT #1 AND #2 (in unison)
Hi!

IDIOT #3 (to all)
So guess what yesterday was. It was my actual 9th Anniversary.

IDIOT #1
Congrats. Wait, wasn’t that last year?

IDIOT #3
Well my friends and I did some math last night and we discovered that we were off by one year. Last year we celebrated our 9th when it was actually our 8th. But it doesn’t really matter because we’re not getting married until gay people are allowed to marry in the state of Oregon.

 

ANDREW awakens in a sudden fit of rage.

 

ANDREW
If you don’t wanna get married, don’t stay single for the sake of gay people. Stay single for the fact that you suck at math!

 

 

ANDREW then slaps all IDIOTS from right to left with enough force to spin their bodies approximately 90 degrees. He then leaves the cashier line, walking toward the door. Just before the door, ANDREW turns around, opens the Gatorade and dumps it all over himself in mock celebration, followed by a thumbs-down gesture with his left hand accompanied by pointing at each IDIOT.

 

ANDREW
This is what I think of each and every one of you!

 

ANDREW exits.

 

IDIOT #3
Wow! I guess I kinda had that coming.

IDIOT #1
Yeah, you did sound pretty stupid just then.

IDIOT #3
I think I’ll go home and ask my boyfriend to marry me right away and then we’ll start having babies.

 

IDIOT #1, #2 and #4 look at each other and shrug.

 

IDIOT #1, #2 and #4 (in unison)
Here we go again! (laughs)

 

NOTE TO DIRECTOR: Writer strongly urges a FREEZE FRAME at this point and to cue the following music options:

“Any Way You Want It” by Journey
“Theme from ‘Happy Days’”

 

FADE OUT:

 

END CREDITS

In-Law-free remodel weekend

May 18th, 2008

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Brought to you by:

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Geddy Lee of Rush, and…

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multiple, delicious, frosty 12 oz. cans of Bud Light.

We’ve got a stretch of visitors swinging by over the next few weeks, so we’re under the gun to get some chores done around the joint. Since Tracy’s folks are already booked for visits on all of those weekends, we found ourselves on our own for once. And of course…

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This weekend was Oregon’s first real heat wave of 2008. Record-breaking temps and awful humidity made the work just a tad more interesting.

Saturday took me to a Shriners’ event while Tracy slaved away on her project for the weekend: the garden.

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Tracy cleared out an unfinished area of the back yard (previous owners kept their kids’ swing set on the wood-chipped area). Raking away wood chips led to a weed barrier cloth, which could be described as faulty at best).

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A few bricks, some fresh soil and a few colorful flowers later…

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add some bark on the top and VOILA!

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While she was in gardening mode, Tracy restocked the wine barrels with some fresh ingredients. Here are a few more weekend accomplishments:

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The front tree just off the driveway. (Ignore the neighbor’s boat in the background. He informed us today that it was only temporary. It’s already been more than a month, so we’ll just see.)

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Front bush near the driveway and deck.

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Smaller front tree just off the deck.

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Another angle of the smaller front tree.

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Larger front tree to the right of the front yard.

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The result of Tracy’s hard work in the sun. I’m jealous because she will be golden brown in about 24 hours, whereas my Irish pasty skin would simply burst into flames if this happened to me.

While Tracy gardened away and Obama spoke to 75,000-strong at Portland’s downtown Waterfront Park:
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I (once again) painted more trim. I feel it’s all I do anymore. There’s still more left, but the pile of unpainted trim is definitely reducing in size. Once this is done, if I ever paint more trim after that, it’ll be too soon. Now we have six days of extremely long (avg. 16 feet) pieces of baseboard and crown moulding sitting in the entry way, blocking the hallway. (I just stubbed my toe on it as I took a break writing this, which I probably deserved after warning Tracy the klutz not to run into it this week. Serves me right.)

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My indoor painting station, out of the heat and sunlight until around 5:30 PM. (Check out the new height- and width-expandable sawhorses! No more sore backs!)

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The outdoor drying station. The lone advantage of a hot day like today.

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Wondering what the Geddy Lee reference was all about? While I work in the garage, I listen to Buzzsaw, Sirius Channel 19, which is heavier classic rock. Today I heard four songs by Rush introduced by awful classic rock DJ’s. When they weren’t playing Rush, the signal decided to cut out for extended amounts of time. To think I could have listened to six songs by Rush today is too much to handle.

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After a couple Bud Lights, I’m reminded that it’s time to take the recycling back.

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Our new toy, and we picked the right time to get it.

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One last thing. Tracy wanted to show off what she believes is to be the largest dandelion in the neighborhood. This came with the house, and we are almost afraid to cut it down out of fear that it might eat us.

Coming soon: more trim in the living room, wainscoting in the bathroom, and AIR CONDITIONING!!!

What’s the REAL problem here?

April 28th, 2008

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Apparently some Portland-area high schools are having problems with kids shaving their eyebrows as it may be a sign of gang involvement.

As a member of Generation-Y, I’m more fearful of more of these being raised:
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Somebody owes these guys a “Sorry we didn’t listen the first time” e-card:
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Carnivore Persecution

April 8th, 2008

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Portland vegans and veg-heads have set up shop outside a hipster food cart on SW 5th and Stark, next ”door” to my regular Indian food cart. Where’s Rosa Parks when I need her?

Squares - 2,876,935,583
Hipsters - 1

You’ve won this round Hipsters, but I’ll be back!!