andrewandtracy.com

Below is a screenplay for a short film, based on a true story of what just happened to me. (Well, the first part is true. The final part is not, but I wish it were.)

 

FADE IN:

INT. DOWNTOWN RITE-AID CASHIER LINE. DAY

ANDREW waits in line holding a 32 oz. Lemon-Lime Gatorade. In front of him are IDIOT #1 and IDIOT #2, both female hipsters from the east side of Portland. In walk IDIOT #3 (female) and IDIOT #4 (male), two more hipsters from the east side of Portland.

 

IDIOT #3
Hey guys.

IDIOT #1 AND #2 (in unison)
Hi!

 

IDIOT #3 points to IDIOT #4.

 

IDIOT #3
This is my friend Idiot #4.

IDIOT #4
Hi.

IDIOT #1 AND #2 (in unison)
Hi!

IDIOT #3 (to all)
So guess what yesterday was. It was my actual 9th Anniversary.

IDIOT #1
Congrats. Wait, wasn’t that last year?

IDIOT #3
Well my friends and I did some math last night and we discovered that we were off by one year. Last year we celebrated our 9th when it was actually our 8th. But it doesn’t really matter because we’re not getting married until gay people are allowed to marry in the state of Oregon.

 

ANDREW awakens in a sudden fit of rage.

 

ANDREW
If you don’t wanna get married, don’t stay single for the sake of gay people. Stay single for the fact that you suck at math!

 

 

ANDREW then slaps all IDIOTS from right to left with enough force to spin their bodies approximately 90 degrees. He then leaves the cashier line, walking toward the door. Just before the door, ANDREW turns around, opens the Gatorade and dumps it all over himself in mock celebration, followed by a thumbs-down gesture with his left hand accompanied by pointing at each IDIOT.

 

ANDREW
This is what I think of each and every one of you!

 

ANDREW exits.

 

IDIOT #3
Wow! I guess I kinda had that coming.

IDIOT #1
Yeah, you did sound pretty stupid just then.

IDIOT #3
I think I’ll go home and ask my boyfriend to marry me right away and then we’ll start having babies.

 

IDIOT #1, #2 and #4 look at each other and shrug.

 

IDIOT #1, #2 and #4 (in unison)
Here we go again! (laughs)

 

NOTE TO DIRECTOR: Writer strongly urges a FREEZE FRAME at this point and to cue the following music options:

“Any Way You Want It” by Journey
“Theme from ‘Happy Days’”

 

FADE OUT:

 

END CREDITS

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008 at 15:37 and is filed under Only in Portland, QuickNote. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.