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Prison punks get stabbed for less!

If you didn’t know, I love food. Part of that love goes to KOI Fusion, a Korean BBQ truck here in Portland. (They admit to getting the idea from the Kogi truck in Los Angeles.) Their tacos are pretty much the best thing in Portland that costs $2.00.

The KOI truck posts there movement on Twitter, and they’ve become quite the social media success here in the Silicon Forest. While they are technically mobile, they have a regular rotation of locations. They can be found at 4th and W. Burnside (76 station parking lot) for lunch on M/W/F, and down at PSU on T/Th. Most nights they move to a location outside PGE Park (near plenty of bars), and they always set up shop there after Timbers and Beavers games.

Now, we’ve got two stationary Korean BBQ carts in the near vicinity.

Bulkogi sits at SW 5th and Stark.

Boolkogi sits at SW 5th and Oak.

Not only did they pretty much plagiarize KOI’s menu, they plagiarized EACH OTHER’S NAME! AND, they’re on the SAME BLOCK! Somebody call the thought police.

To illustrate, here’s a map of the locations. You make the call. I’m calling shenanigans.
View Larger Map

Today has been one of the coolest days in recent memory. So many random happenings that partially depend on coincidental timing. It’s like an Altman film that gets to the point inside of 30 minutes.

If you haven’t been reading my ramblings over the last few months on my Faceyspace or the Twitters, you should know that I’ve come to love one of Portland’s new food carts, Big-Ass Sandwiches. The weird thing is that the connection between me and its owners goes beyond supply and demand.

BAS is owned by Brian and Lisa Wood. Brian is a chef by trade, and Lisa is an ex-radio jock (like me). Turns out that Tracy’s cousin Aimee is good pals with these two, and we’ve heard of them being mentioned in numerous past conversations before event meeting them. After one-too-many negative radio experiences (and honestly, more than one is too many), Lisa and Brian “went for it” and opened their own food cart on SW 3^rd and Ash street in downtown Portland (about three blocks from my office). They opened in December of 2009 and utilized social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.) to hype it up, and they executed if greatly. Portland is a town full of “creative class-types” who are always resting a bit too comfortably on the cutting-edge of technology. It didn’t take long for BAS to get the word out before they even opened. Before long, they were the talk of food cart land.

My first BAS experience was in January. I normally like to go to lunch with co-workers whenever possible, but I thought it might be best to scope this place out before unleashing its fury onto the people I work with. I had to make sure that A) it was good, and B) wasn’t just for super-large meatatarians such as myself. Naturally, the place blew me away and I came back to the office with menus to place throughout the office. Since then, I go to BAS about once every 1-to-2 weeks (even I have to pace myself with this type of food, and thankfully the Woods would likely agree).

BAS also has an edge with its location: near a few great/infamous bars and Voodoo Doughnuts. This is a late-night arena of gluttony, greed and a few other sins…perfect for the late-night scenesters who need to sober up for the journey home. As you can imagine, BAS fits this bill to a T. Even a drunk vegetarian wouldn’t be 100% upset as they drunkenly slipped up and downed a BAS in their inebriated state. (“Yeah, I messed up, but at least I messed up GOOD!”)

Another thing I love about BAS is their system of weekly specials. These come into existence through a few methods. One was named after Mayor Sam Adams who replied on Twitter what his favorite sandwich ingredients are. Others were submitted by friends and fans who simply thought it’d be cool to see a sandwich of their own on the special board for a week. After eating one of their specials containing baked macaroni & cheese (*drool*) I realized “hey, I can submit a special too!”

Now I just have to create one.

This is where the process gets tricky. To start, all I could think of was that it MUST have bacon. Rule #1 was an easy given. But bacon alone does not a BAS make. I had to really think long and hard about this. I don’t want my special BAS to suck. That could be my name and face on the special board for a whole week. Last thing I need is a crew of drunkards cursing my name. (OK, that might be kinda funny, but still…I’d prefer glory over failure.)

I kept rolling through foods that would not only make a great sandwich, but would also be technically and financially feasible for the Woods to work with. (Sorry Perigord Truffles…better luck next time!) Veggies have been done before, and those tend to get soggy after sitting on a hot sandwich after too long. Besides, veggies are for “housewives and little girls.” (Funny, though, since I did end up with one.)

It took me about a week to come up with something, and the final product came to me on one of the very few nights I found myself downtown after 6:00 PM (attending one of those filthy punk rock shows at Dante’s). After a few beers and loud noise I strolled by BAS to visit with Brian and Lisa and grab a sandwich before heading home. (You can’t eat this while driving.) While gabbing and eating for about 20 minutes (and watching way drunker people attempting the same), somebody asked me about the Run-DMC shirt I was wearing. It’s not often you see a tall white guy coming out of a punk show wearing one, so yeah, I guess I invited such questions. I don’t remember the conversation verbatim, but part of my reply involved my inability to “pop n’ lock” (that’s breakdancing for you older types reading this). It was then when a light bulb went on over my head.

Poppers! Jalapeno poppers! I love those things!

This was the ingredient I’d been looking for. Something tasty. Something with built-in cheese. Something not labeled as health food, but won’t totally kill you either. It’s got spice, which foodies love. Yes, this was it! I got on my iPhone and sent the Facebook message to Lisa as she stood three feet in front of me. (Again, we love technology here.)

After some quick thought, I named it the “Pop ‘N Lock Con Puerco.” This was inspired by two things:

1. The conversation I just had that inspired the jalapeno poppers, and,
2. One of my favorite punch lines from Late Night with Conan O’Brien where “Bill Clinton” says to Conan “con queso, man!” I realize this doesn’t make sense out of context, but trust me when I say I laughed for about a half-hour straight (no, I wasn’t high), and the phrase “con <anything> man!” can be universally applied to just about any situation. Hence, con puerco man!

My original idea was to have the following:

• Bread
• Fries (standard on all BAS’s)
• Choice of meat (roast beef, turkey, ham or vegetarian field roast)
• Bacon
• Jalapeno poppers stuffed with cream cheese (I specifically requested cream cheese over cheddar since BAS already has a béchamel cheese sauce)

I told Lisa I would leave the actual construction of the sandwich to them since they’re clearly more knowledgeable in that dept. After a few weeks on simmer, Lisa messaged me back and asked if I was OK with the fries being on the bottom as opposed to the top like they normally are. I replied “yeah, that’s definitely not a problem with me,” and history was born!

There were three other modifications that BAS did that I clearly took no issue with. The first was to wrap the bacon around the jalapeno poppers. My reaction: bacon is awesome, but it’s even better when wrapped around something. The second was to bread the now-bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers with corn flakes. My reaction: you can do that? The third was giving customers a choice on how to prepare the now-breaded-and-bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers: deep friend or grilled. Deep frying them leaves the bacon to be a bit softer, whereas as grilling gets the bacon crispy. My reaction: you guys clearly know what you’re doing!

As part of promoting the special, the creator must supply a photo for the special board. With my new BAS shirt ready, Tracy and I conducted a hasty photo shoot in our living room. The more interesting photos involved our dog Danzig. And just to be weird, we threw in Tracy’s creepy childhood clown bank. The winning photo:

became the special flyer for the week:

So after much fanfare and hype via the Twitters and Faceyspace, today was the debut of my invention. I strolled down from my office around Noon and found BAS with a few people hanging out in front (as always). Upon arrival I was greeted with a smile and hello, and promptly introduced to the other people hanging out near the cart. Turns out one of them was a Dave Gerald, local writer the blogger behind Breakfast in Bridgetown. (More technology…blogs about food!) Dave was at BAS as part of his research for a book he’s currently writing about Portland’s food cart scene. Accompanied by photographer Drew Burdick and pal Mindie, Dave asked questions of both Lisa and I about how the special came to be. Afterward, as Brian finished making the sandwich, Drew asked for a few shots of the sandwich before Lisa wrapped it and handed it over to me. There may be a shot or two of both Lisa and I holding the sandwich with my trademark cheesy-grin, double-chin thumbs-up pose. Not sure what, if anything, will end up in the book, but you never know!

Once the book crew left, the sandwich was handed over free of charge (perks for an inventor, so I just put the cash into their tip jar, a.k.a. their dog Annabelle’s college fund). After a brief exchange about my days at Kung Fu Records, I hustled back to my desk to enjoy the fruits of our collective labor. Once back at my desk, I grabbed the largest cup I could find in the kitchen and filled it with ice cold company water.

First bite came with everything except a piece of jalapeno (so many layers to plow through). Second bite was quickly rewarded with a piece of every ingredient. Simply magical. The bacon was soft enough to bite through yet not get left behind and become stringy after biting. The cream cheese self-distributed throughout the immediate vicinity once bitten through, and complimented the other elements. The jalapenos were the real treat. You could tell these were fresh, high-quality peppers. I’m used to the frozen, processed version that is used for poppers in the frozen food section at the grocery store. These were the opposite. I immediately learned that fresh also likely means spicier. I normally keep my spice levels at a minimum, so these peppers were pushing me to my limit (full disclosure: I’m Irish, so spice and heat are not my forte). Thankfully, the other ingredients doused the flame back to a point that was acceptable for me.

I’m happy to say that when I meet my maker and I’m challenged to prove my worth for entry beyond the golden gates, I’ll be able to list the Pop N’ Lock con Puerco as one of my better contributions to the world. Mega thanks go to Brian and Lisa Wood for not only keeping Portland cool, but for making it cooler by taking a chance on innovation in our precious food cart scene.

Finally, thanks to the readers. You just read a three-page blog about a sandwich!

Just got off the phone with Microsoft Xbox customer service. They just defined the meaning of the word “FAIL.” First, some back story.

As a former video game industry employee (a major 3^rd party publisher), I actually (used to) have a professional relationship with Microsoft’s Xbox division. I’m classified as a “casual gamer,” meaning my marriage stays intact because I spend less than five hours per week playing video games. (It’s actually closer to less than five hours per MONTH.)

So when it came time for me to plunk down my own cash for a new video game system (the last of which I owned was the old 8-bit Nintendo), I had to choose between the Xbox 360 or the Playstation 3. Due to my professional involvement with Xbox at the time, and the fact that it was about 5-fold over my involvement with Sony (makers of the PS3), I decided to go with the X360 for no real reason other than brand loyalty. Since late 2005 / early 2006 when I made the purchase, I’ve been happy with the unit, using it primarily for streaming Netflix movies (my favorite feature) and playing Texas Hold ‘em on Xbox Live (their online gaming service which costs about $50 per year). Over time, I’ve obtained copies of numerous versions of Guitar Hero, Grand Theft Auto, Burnout, and assorted accessories such as extra wireless controllers, a Wi-Fi adapter, keyboard handset, etc.

Until yesterday, everything was just peachy.

On Sunday afternoon, I wanted to watch Caddyshack. After grabbing the DVD, I powered on the X360 only to have it freeze halfway through the process. After a small wait, I turn it off and then on again. Same result. Repeat it. Again, same result. Each time results in a freeze at various-but-similar points during the power-up process. After about eight attempts, the much-dreaded “ring of death” appeared on the front of the console for the very first time. Earlier generations of the X360 have been frequently-documented to be subject to the ring of death, leading gaming industry experts to criticize Microsoft for possibly releasing their new product prematurely. As a result, Microsoft had to go on a major PR and technical venture to remedy a lot of likely-faulty units. While this is not entirely crazy in the high-tech, high-demand world of video game console production, the percentage of reported faulty units was considerably high at the time of release. So once the ring of death appeared on my X360 console, it’s pretty much a done deal. Seeing as I’m well past the warranty expiration, I immediately realize I may be up a creek.

Since I actually went this long without needing any repair service, I figured I would at least try to see if Microsoft would give me a complimentary repair. (If this were a second repair, I would have accepted it, moved on and not written this blog entry.) Upon logging into Xbox’s web site, I come to discover that a repair request will cost me $99. Not an unreasonable request, but since I paid around $400 for my X360 unit (the standard price at that time), adding another hundred bucks to the cost does not seem reasonable since they sell higher-powered units with more storage today for $299. Clearly not worth the investment. Plus, as a loyal customer paying $50 per year for Xbox Live, I figure Microsoft gets enough of my money as it is. Needless to say, my goal in calling Microsoft customer service was to get a complimentary repair service. They can do that and continue to receive my money in the form of Xbox Live membership fees and other assorted purchases, or I can threaten to go rogue, switch teams and buy a PS3 (which now streams Netflix movies!).

Microsoft did not want my money anymore.

After explaining my key points:
*First repair request
*Xbox Live customer (the paying kind)
*Loyal customer

The first person could not issue a comped repair. After “escalating” the issue to the next person, they could not issue a comped repair either. So I made my final point (cancelling my Xbox Live membership and buying a PS3), only to be told that they could not help me out and they could transfer me to the Live department to proceed with the cancellation.

O…K….

Did I miss the memo that Microsoft was making enough money to lose my business comfortably? Last time I checked, they were not.

After being transferred to the Live department, I reiterated my request of wanting to cancel my Xbox Live membership. The now-third person on the phone was at least a little concerned with my request, suggesting I could simply remove the automatic renewal on my membership and let it naturally expire in September 2010, just in case I decide to purchase another X360 unit or perhaps transfer my membership to a friend or family member. After telling him that I was getting rid of my unit, did not want to transfer, and to please just cancel everything, I was shocked by the next bit.

Not only did he say he would follow through with the cancellation (where I expected to forfeit the remainder of my balance, 9 months = approx. $37.53), but that he would change my account to a month-to-month, and then cancel it in January, giving me a REFUND of near that amount!

So let’s recap. In 2010:
1. Microsoft will give me approx. $35.
2. Microsoft will NOT receive $50 from my Xbox Live renewal (nor any add’l money afterward).
3. Microsoft loses a total of $85 from me this next year, plus $50 per year after that in Xbox Live renewals.

All because they wouldn’t comp my repair request, which would have cost me $99. A mere difference of $14 in 2010 ends up costing them more down the road. In the meantime, they lose one person to Sony, plus an undetermined amount of money from future game and accessory purchases. If I were a manager at Microsoft, my ears would be blowing steam right about now.

So here’s my challenge to Microsoft: you have until 5:00 PM (PST) on Friday, December 11, 2009 to contact me about a complimentary repair. Failure to do so will result in me taking all of my Xbox 360-related items (broken console, games, controllers, chargers, adapters, et. al.) to my nearest Gamestop or Game Crazy and exchanging them for store credit to be used toward the purchase of a new PS3. (This way, not only do you lose me to a rival company, but you also lose money of the sale of used X360 goods…DOUBLE WHAMMY!)

Bye for now.