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Prison punks get stabbed for less!

If you didn’t know, I love food. Part of that love goes to KOI Fusion, a Korean BBQ truck here in Portland. (They admit to getting the idea from the Kogi truck in Los Angeles.) Their tacos are pretty much the best thing in Portland that costs $2.00.

The KOI truck posts there movement on Twitter, and they’ve become quite the social media success here in the Silicon Forest. While they are technically mobile, they have a regular rotation of locations. They can be found at 4th and W. Burnside (76 station parking lot) for lunch on M/W/F, and down at PSU on T/Th. Most nights they move to a location outside PGE Park (near plenty of bars), and they always set up shop there after Timbers and Beavers games.

Now, we’ve got two stationary Korean BBQ carts in the near vicinity.

Bulkogi sits at SW 5th and Stark.

Boolkogi sits at SW 5th and Oak.

Not only did they pretty much plagiarize KOI’s menu, they plagiarized EACH OTHER’S NAME! AND, they’re on the SAME BLOCK! Somebody call the thought police.

To illustrate, here’s a map of the locations. You make the call. I’m calling shenanigans.
View Larger Map

Today has been one of the coolest days in recent memory. So many random happenings that partially depend on coincidental timing. It’s like an Altman film that gets to the point inside of 30 minutes.

If you haven’t been reading my ramblings over the last few months on my Faceyspace or the Twitters, you should know that I’ve come to love one of Portland’s new food carts, Big-Ass Sandwiches. The weird thing is that the connection between me and its owners goes beyond supply and demand.

BAS is owned by Brian and Lisa Wood. Brian is a chef by trade, and Lisa is an ex-radio jock (like me). Turns out that Tracy’s cousin Aimee is good pals with these two, and we’ve heard of them being mentioned in numerous past conversations before event meeting them. After one-too-many negative radio experiences (and honestly, more than one is too many), Lisa and Brian “went for it” and opened their own food cart on SW 3^rd and Ash street in downtown Portland (about three blocks from my office). They opened in December of 2009 and utilized social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.) to hype it up, and they executed if greatly. Portland is a town full of “creative class-types” who are always resting a bit too comfortably on the cutting-edge of technology. It didn’t take long for BAS to get the word out before they even opened. Before long, they were the talk of food cart land.

My first BAS experience was in January. I normally like to go to lunch with co-workers whenever possible, but I thought it might be best to scope this place out before unleashing its fury onto the people I work with. I had to make sure that A) it was good, and B) wasn’t just for super-large meatatarians such as myself. Naturally, the place blew me away and I came back to the office with menus to place throughout the office. Since then, I go to BAS about once every 1-to-2 weeks (even I have to pace myself with this type of food, and thankfully the Woods would likely agree).

BAS also has an edge with its location: near a few great/infamous bars and Voodoo Doughnuts. This is a late-night arena of gluttony, greed and a few other sins…perfect for the late-night scenesters who need to sober up for the journey home. As you can imagine, BAS fits this bill to a T. Even a drunk vegetarian wouldn’t be 100% upset as they drunkenly slipped up and downed a BAS in their inebriated state. (“Yeah, I messed up, but at least I messed up GOOD!”)

Another thing I love about BAS is their system of weekly specials. These come into existence through a few methods. One was named after Mayor Sam Adams who replied on Twitter what his favorite sandwich ingredients are. Others were submitted by friends and fans who simply thought it’d be cool to see a sandwich of their own on the special board for a week. After eating one of their specials containing baked macaroni & cheese (*drool*) I realized “hey, I can submit a special too!”

Now I just have to create one.

This is where the process gets tricky. To start, all I could think of was that it MUST have bacon. Rule #1 was an easy given. But bacon alone does not a BAS make. I had to really think long and hard about this. I don’t want my special BAS to suck. That could be my name and face on the special board for a whole week. Last thing I need is a crew of drunkards cursing my name. (OK, that might be kinda funny, but still…I’d prefer glory over failure.)

I kept rolling through foods that would not only make a great sandwich, but would also be technically and financially feasible for the Woods to work with. (Sorry Perigord Truffles…better luck next time!) Veggies have been done before, and those tend to get soggy after sitting on a hot sandwich after too long. Besides, veggies are for “housewives and little girls.” (Funny, though, since I did end up with one.)

It took me about a week to come up with something, and the final product came to me on one of the very few nights I found myself downtown after 6:00 PM (attending one of those filthy punk rock shows at Dante’s). After a few beers and loud noise I strolled by BAS to visit with Brian and Lisa and grab a sandwich before heading home. (You can’t eat this while driving.) While gabbing and eating for about 20 minutes (and watching way drunker people attempting the same), somebody asked me about the Run-DMC shirt I was wearing. It’s not often you see a tall white guy coming out of a punk show wearing one, so yeah, I guess I invited such questions. I don’t remember the conversation verbatim, but part of my reply involved my inability to “pop n’ lock” (that’s breakdancing for you older types reading this). It was then when a light bulb went on over my head.

Poppers! Jalapeno poppers! I love those things!

This was the ingredient I’d been looking for. Something tasty. Something with built-in cheese. Something not labeled as health food, but won’t totally kill you either. It’s got spice, which foodies love. Yes, this was it! I got on my iPhone and sent the Facebook message to Lisa as she stood three feet in front of me. (Again, we love technology here.)

After some quick thought, I named it the “Pop ‘N Lock Con Puerco.” This was inspired by two things:

1. The conversation I just had that inspired the jalapeno poppers, and,
2. One of my favorite punch lines from Late Night with Conan O’Brien where “Bill Clinton” says to Conan “con queso, man!” I realize this doesn’t make sense out of context, but trust me when I say I laughed for about a half-hour straight (no, I wasn’t high), and the phrase “con <anything> man!” can be universally applied to just about any situation. Hence, con puerco man!

My original idea was to have the following:

• Bread
• Fries (standard on all BAS’s)
• Choice of meat (roast beef, turkey, ham or vegetarian field roast)
• Bacon
• Jalapeno poppers stuffed with cream cheese (I specifically requested cream cheese over cheddar since BAS already has a béchamel cheese sauce)

I told Lisa I would leave the actual construction of the sandwich to them since they’re clearly more knowledgeable in that dept. After a few weeks on simmer, Lisa messaged me back and asked if I was OK with the fries being on the bottom as opposed to the top like they normally are. I replied “yeah, that’s definitely not a problem with me,” and history was born!

There were three other modifications that BAS did that I clearly took no issue with. The first was to wrap the bacon around the jalapeno poppers. My reaction: bacon is awesome, but it’s even better when wrapped around something. The second was to bread the now-bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers with corn flakes. My reaction: you can do that? The third was giving customers a choice on how to prepare the now-breaded-and-bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers: deep friend or grilled. Deep frying them leaves the bacon to be a bit softer, whereas as grilling gets the bacon crispy. My reaction: you guys clearly know what you’re doing!

As part of promoting the special, the creator must supply a photo for the special board. With my new BAS shirt ready, Tracy and I conducted a hasty photo shoot in our living room. The more interesting photos involved our dog Danzig. And just to be weird, we threw in Tracy’s creepy childhood clown bank. The winning photo:

became the special flyer for the week:

So after much fanfare and hype via the Twitters and Faceyspace, today was the debut of my invention. I strolled down from my office around Noon and found BAS with a few people hanging out in front (as always). Upon arrival I was greeted with a smile and hello, and promptly introduced to the other people hanging out near the cart. Turns out one of them was a Dave Gerald, local writer the blogger behind Breakfast in Bridgetown. (More technology…blogs about food!) Dave was at BAS as part of his research for a book he’s currently writing about Portland’s food cart scene. Accompanied by photographer Drew Burdick and pal Mindie, Dave asked questions of both Lisa and I about how the special came to be. Afterward, as Brian finished making the sandwich, Drew asked for a few shots of the sandwich before Lisa wrapped it and handed it over to me. There may be a shot or two of both Lisa and I holding the sandwich with my trademark cheesy-grin, double-chin thumbs-up pose. Not sure what, if anything, will end up in the book, but you never know!

Once the book crew left, the sandwich was handed over free of charge (perks for an inventor, so I just put the cash into their tip jar, a.k.a. their dog Annabelle’s college fund). After a brief exchange about my days at Kung Fu Records, I hustled back to my desk to enjoy the fruits of our collective labor. Once back at my desk, I grabbed the largest cup I could find in the kitchen and filled it with ice cold company water.

First bite came with everything except a piece of jalapeno (so many layers to plow through). Second bite was quickly rewarded with a piece of every ingredient. Simply magical. The bacon was soft enough to bite through yet not get left behind and become stringy after biting. The cream cheese self-distributed throughout the immediate vicinity once bitten through, and complimented the other elements. The jalapenos were the real treat. You could tell these were fresh, high-quality peppers. I’m used to the frozen, processed version that is used for poppers in the frozen food section at the grocery store. These were the opposite. I immediately learned that fresh also likely means spicier. I normally keep my spice levels at a minimum, so these peppers were pushing me to my limit (full disclosure: I’m Irish, so spice and heat are not my forte). Thankfully, the other ingredients doused the flame back to a point that was acceptable for me.

I’m happy to say that when I meet my maker and I’m challenged to prove my worth for entry beyond the golden gates, I’ll be able to list the Pop N’ Lock con Puerco as one of my better contributions to the world. Mega thanks go to Brian and Lisa Wood for not only keeping Portland cool, but for making it cooler by taking a chance on innovation in our precious food cart scene.

Finally, thanks to the readers. You just read a three-page blog about a sandwich!

Just got home from the 1st (likely annual) Portland Baconfest. Overall, I found it to be an inspired event, one that combines the best meat ever created with the city’s love of irony. There was a definite DIY feel throughout the event, which surely added to its charm. However, as a guy who’s planned many events throughout my amateur and professional lives, I found a few flaws that need to be addressed should there be a second annual event in 2010.

If the organizers of Baconfest happen to be reading this, please consider this to be a list of constructive criticisms, and not a finger pointing at you. (Hey, if the people at Three Sheets could find my blog entry about their show, there’s no reason the Baconfest folks can’t. A little help from Google Alerts makes anything possible.)

So here’s my list of seven issues / tips for Baconfest. Keep in mind I was at the event from 3:30 PM to 6:30 PM.

1. Alcohol distribution. As we know, Portland LOVES alcohol, both in beer and hard-A form. But the state of Oregon happens to have some very tough laws that they randomly like to enforce. As an OLCC permit holder, I think I personally witnessed about eight rules being violated during the three hours I was there, with the Bakon Vodka booth accounting for half of them alone. You can’t store the bottle of booze on the table you’re serving from. You definitely can’t let buyers hold that bottle in their hands. You can’t leave your booth unattended with that alcohol sitting out in the open. As for the beer vendors, I noticed that Laurelwood Brewery tapped their keg of Bacon Beer rather quickly. But that’s easy to do when you’re serving in 16-ounce red cups at $3 a pop. Meanwhile, Rogue Brewery was serving their non-bacon-themed beer in 12-ounce white cups for $4 a pop. Now granted, Rogue has quality beers, and it’s likely the Bacon Beer was merely an experiment at best, but there needs to be some kind of pricing regulation to help ensure that nobody is over-buying (nor over-pouring). Suggestion: consult with OLCC and make sure your alcohol vendors are in compliance. Check for server permits.

2. Point of entry. Please have more than one person running the “door” (in this case, the door was a folding table surrounded by caution tape). And if you can only get one person to run the door, don’t have them checking ID’s (which, they weren’t…another OLCC no-no) AND selling raffle tickets in addition to handling cover charges. Too many tasks for one person to manage, resulting in a line of six people taking almost three minutes to move from start to finish. Good thing I didn’t arrive at peak time. Suggestion: have at least two people at the door. One checking ID’s (also an OLCC-permitted position), and one taking money. Sell raffle tickets inside the event.

3. Security. The event took place on SE 18th Ave between Burnside and Ankeny (one block of asphalt) with entry into The East Burn (the hosting bar) on one side of the street, and the other side “blocked off” (again…caution tape) for non-attendee pedestrians. Unless there were plain-clothes officers roaming about, I didn’t see any type of security and/or alcohol monitors in, or outside of, the event. Considering the amount of alcohol being somewhat-carelessly bandied about, this is a liability nightmare that I hope was not taken advantage of. Suggestion: hire a licensed security firm to manage security and monitor alcohol. Have them check ID’s at the door as well. Hire a vendor to provide steel gates (a.k.a. bike racks) to surround the perimeter, as caution tape loses out to drunk people every time.

4. Cursing on stage. The MC’s who would make announcements, introduce bands, or provide commentary on the bacon-related contests, were not afraid to sprinkle F-bombs throughout their time on the microphone. Now I am certainly no prude (plenty of R-rated movies in my collection, and even one or two NC-17’s), and I can certainly curse with the best of them, but unless you’re hosting a 21+ event that’s 100% indoors, you may want to think about holding back on the blue material. I saw plenty of kids at this event, meaning that even Portland hipsters have nothing against procreating and bringing their offspring to revel in irony. But I can assure you that even hipster parents have a few Disney DVD’s in their home for their kids to enjoy, and they want to at least try to provide a somewhat wholesome environment for their kids to enjoy. So a decision needs to be made:  outdoor and family-safe, or inside and adults only. Suggestion: keep it clean, adhere to community broadcast standards. You also have more space outside, which means more $$$.

5. Background music. I love my rock and/or roll…a LOT! But as a music nerd, ex-DJ and ex-record-label employee, I also understand how to please an audience. While I do feel that bands like Disturbed have their place in the world, I don’t think this event is it. In fact, I think there might even be laws in the city of Portland against the public playing of music by bands like Disturbed, Insane Clown Posse, Korn, et. al. But there are also rules to prevent the pendulum from swinging too far the other way, disallowing music from successful Portland “indie rock” bands (Modest Mouse, Dandy Warhols, Decemberists, et. al.) from being played as well. The level of irony at this event would have allowed bands like Lynard Skynard or The Allman Brothers Band to be heard without anybody batting an eye. Suggestion: stick to the tried and true music that everyone can enjoy. 60’s/70’s classic rock (The Who, The Eagles, Rush) and/or 80’s New Wave (Flock of Seagulls, Go-Go’s, Thompson Twins). It’s a win-win-win…we ALL win.

6. Power. I overheard some conversation at the Parkers Waffles booth that their waffle irons were either getting their own electricity source cut off, or they were cutting out other people’s electric needs. And as I waited 25 minutes (!!!) for my waffle (not entirely Baconfest’s fault…read the next blog), I peaked around the back of the waffle both and found mostly extension cords coming from an unknown starting point. I looked around for some kind of large generator to power this whole event, but could not find anything. But I’m left to believe that if a booth of a few waffle irons and a propane camping stove is either suffering or causing problems, then there’s definitely a power issue, especially when you have a stage for bands to perform on. Suggestion: shell out the cash and rent a power generator from a professional. You’ll keep your sponsors and vendors happy, ensuring they come back next year.

7. Weather. If this date is any indication, it appears that the first weekend of October will be circled every year for Baconfest. Hey, that’s great! I certainly had nothing else going on today. But that also means you’re playing with fire (or in this case, water). October is one of nine months in Oregon’s rainy season. While I don’t expect a series of huge tents like at the Oregon Brewers Festival, there should be some kind of reminder to your vendors (especially those with power needs) that they shouldn’t have to be scrambling for cover when the rain comes in, as it did off-and-on today. Suggestion: require vendors to use at least a 10′x10′ pop-up tent for their booth. If they don’t have one, offer to rent them one via your own event supplier (which you should have next year since you’re hiring out for power generators, security, perimeter gates and other items, right?).

I hope this doesn’t come across as scathing to the Baconfest organizers. I want to see the event become an annual thing, and I’d hate to see it go away due to some liability issue that could have easily been avoided with preventive measures. To make up for it, here are a few things I really liked about Baconfest.

A. Admission charge. $5 and two cans of food for the Oregon Food Bank. Letting people in for free (a la Oregon Brewers Festival) means ANYONE can come in. Charging a small fee at the door goes a long way in keeping out the riff-raff (drunks, people looking to cause trouble, etc). And the two cans of food gives your event a charitable feel, which goes a long way in the PR efforts. (Plus, it’s always nice to help less-fortunate people out, especially these days).

B. Raffle ticket prices. $1 per ticket, or $10 for the length of tickets around the buyer’s belly. Had I taken advantage of this pricing structure, it woulda been tore up from the floor up.

C. Local vendors. Not a large corporate presence at this event, and I hope organizers can find a way to maintain that. Nothing would bum people out more than to hear about the “2nd Annual Nike Baconfest” a year from now.

D. Event marketing. I heard this event being plugged a lot in the past week, and even on the news this morning, so the public awareness team did their job very well.

Overall, on a scale of one-to-10, I give this event an eight. A very good initial effort, with some room for improvement, but not too far to go to achieve greatness. I definitely hope to see it again next year, as well as claim to my friends that I was at the very first one (as is commonly heard around these hipster parts).